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HUH....

Last post was in 2011 kot.. It has been 3 years since the last post. Ni baru nak start over. From single to married. From a student smpi dah graduate.. 3 years pass so quickly. Tpi still unemployed. X bekerja.. Huhuhu.. Sedih kot. Dalam tiga tahun tu jugak la aku hilang one of my fallopian tube. From completely normal human being to ehem ehem... Lol.. Life!!! So unpredictable..

Kalau dulu before kawin byk sgt fikir anak nak berapa.. Cam ne nak jaga anak la.. Ni dah nak masuk ke thun ke 3 marriage life still xde experience handle baby.. Breastfeed baby.. LIFE.. Like I said. Xpe.. X kesah.. Malas nak amik tahu.. Bukan orang rasa pun apa yang aku rasa. People can talk but they never reduce the pain.

Keluarga in law pun, hurm wat to say.. Bercerita sebelah pihak x guna jugak. Maybe they feel something else. While I thought something else. PITYFUL..

Nak tahu satu cerita x?

My bro in law's wife masuk hospital. Ketumbuhan kot.. I x tau sgt la details why she was admitted, sakit apa, wad apa, bla bla bla... Bukan malas nak ambil tahu but my husband buat bodo jer. sikit pun xnak cerita ngan wife die ni.. They have their own whasapp group which I wasnt invited (not kinda I wasnt invited, its just I left the group becoz at the beginning I dont know wat the hell group in whasapp for... buta teknologi la katakan). Back to the story, they have their own whatsapp group where the chat a lot. My husband kept deleting everything dlm tu.. So I dont know lots of thing lah..
So I felt terpinggir la.. Like I'm not in the family. My husband dah la xnak pergi jenguk pun sister in law die kat hospital. Dah tu I ni considered as bad person la. Supposed family shud take care of each other la kan. Ni I dah jadi some sort like kera sumbang.. The last one in the family to know everything. SEDIH..

I still x faham my husband. He kind of shut every windows and door whereas I lived and still live with  my mother in law (MIL). Satu rumah kot. When they went to the hospital I didnt go with them. Macam I the baddest (max of bad) people in the entire universe. Mcm I have no humanity. This morning I called my husband asking whether he wants to go visit his sister inlaw, he said no. Let it be... Lnatak diorang la die kate... Hey!!! People r going to judge me not you. DAMN. I'm stuck!!! The first day she was admitted, my MIL looked restlessness.. Kehulu kehilir.. Nampak la ketidak tenteraman die.. I just act like nothing happened. Second day pun die go visit together with the entire family. Senyap la rumah tu because everybody left Nampak la keperihatinan dia.

I reckon last time I was admitted to HTAR, xde sape pun dtg visit except for my mum n my dad. Why huh? I told my husband to not let anybody come n  visit me. Cause I might cry as I want to look like I am strong. Xmo nanges2.. Sape xsedih bile dpt tahu pregnant but not inside the womb. Rasa nak meraung wooo..... Allah je yg tahu sedih x sedih. But x tahu la if he doesnt told them. Tpi this morning when I called him asking whether or not he go to visit, he bring back that story. He mentioned about nobody visited me last time.  Curiosity pun bertambah.... Kenapa ye? Lantak la.. X kesah la disayangi ke x disayangi ke oleh ibu mertuaku... Org duduk dekat mana la org nampak.. Biarlah. Allah maha kuasa.. Apa2 pun boleh jadi. Mgkin my death threatening moment tu not a big deal for them. Aku sentiasa mendoakan kesejahteraan mereka. Mmg nampak aku macam org luar this 3 years old marriage ni.

I just want to remember this moment, this feeling... I guess my husband is a black sheep of the family kot. Thats why, they treat me dat way. Afterall, I'm not that talkative, less intresting compared the other menantu.. Sy x pandai ambil hati org tua. I aint dat helpful... Anak pun xde kan... I just sad, lonely and desolated.. Mungkin aku sahaja yang rasa this way. Mereka mmg caring kot. Im not... Last word, aku manusia yang tidak sempurna....

Wallahualam...... Astagfirullahal azim... Allahuakbar... Hope ini bukan fitnah... I am always try to think positive... Tpi x perempuan la klu xde feeling jeles2 ni..

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